What Lies Underneath Fear
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone that you know and love is experiencing a deep trauma? It is terrible to know that someone we love is enduring pain and suffering. If you’re like me, maybe you have heard these statements in different conversations or have found yourself saying them in related situations:
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to say
I don’t know how to help
Often, when people we are close to are experiencing trauma we can have this sense of inadequacy or insecurity about our ability and knowledge in helping someone feel supported. We can disqualify ourselves from consistent involvement by telling ourselves that they have other people surrounding them, that we don’t know what to do, or that we’re afraid to be a burden. Therefore, we back off. The unfortunate side to these fears is that everyone has them which can, at times, mean that a person or family is left to sort through the ‘fight’ feeling isolated.
Truthfully, a person or family in the middle of the fight of their life does not often have time or emotional reserves to tell people what they need. It can be after the thick of the fight that we can learn that a person felt isolated, lonely, or even abandoned. Almost everyone would wish that they had done more so that they could have alleviated this additional layer of grief and confusion from the person that they love.
Have you found yourself in this place? Not knowing where to begin in supporting someone walking through a trauma? Feeling ill-equipped and afraid of hurting them further by your lack of knowledge?
The first thing that we need to do is to start at the beginning and dig a little deeper.
We are afraid. What is that fear? When you think of it, it’s truthfully empathy that is immobilized. Our empathy is a gift that gives us the awareness of others sufferings and desires for people to not have to endure that. Empathy gives us the ability to be aware but we have to choose to either hide behind our insecurities or grow in our understanding and allow our empathy to be moved into action-based compassion.
Our thoughts can swirl in the ‘what-if’s?’ What if I hurt them more than they’re already hurting? What if I say something insensitive? What if they don’t want my help? What if I make them uncomfortable?
Observe that all of these “what-if’s” are really just empathy getting stuck in fear. We don’t want to hurt the person or people we love further. We need to understand that in order to support the people we love through a trauma, we have to choose to grow past our current limits. Difficulty is a stretching experience for everyone who dares to work with it and not against it. This stretching may be uncomfortable. The reality is that you will probably hurt the person you love. There is the possibility that you will hurt their feelings or make them feel uncomfortable. Instead of allowing that thought to immobilize you, what-if…. this gave you an opportunity to learn how to love better? What if… you made a mistake but it made you a better friend because you were teachable?
The worst “what-if” is leaving a person to feel isolated who really needs the support and empathy that you have to offer. You might not be perfect, but you will get better and your action-based compassion will learn a rhythm that is so much more beautiful than being immobilized in our fear. Your empathy is the beginning of a beautiful gift that you can offer to someone walking through the depths of trauma.
Testimony
We were connected to Chris, Esther and baby Elena in 2022. We had the privilege to partner with them in Elena’s healing journey. Please take a moment to read more about the testimony from this beautiful family below.
“The Sarah Tapley Foundation is a beacon of hope in the darkest of times. When our family was faced with the unimaginable of our newborn daughter fighting for her life in the hospital, we felt lost, afraid and stressed for the months to come. But the foundation's unwavering support gave us the strength and resources to keep going.
The financial assistance we received from the foundation was a lifeline for us. It allowed us to focus on our daughter's care and recovery without the added burden of financial stress. We were able to be fully present for her, without worrying about the additional costs of living in the hospital.
But the support from the foundation wasn't just financial. It was emotional too. Knowing that there were people who cared about our family, who wanted to help us and pray for us through this difficult time, gave us so much happiness and hope.
We will never be able to fully express our gratitude to the Sarah Tapley Foundation. They truly helped us in our darkest hour and we are forever blessed to have had them as a resource during this challenging time. Their generosity and kindness will always hold a special place in our hearts.
Thank you everyone apart of the Sarah Tapley Foundation, you are true heroes in our eyes.”
With love,
Esther, Chris and baby Elena
Looking to the New Year
2022 is coming to a close and we are anticipating a new year ahead as the Sarah Tapley Foundation.
We have had an incredible year:
Launched our website with a new logo
Launched our social media platforms
Executed 2 successful fundraisers
Participated in community events
Assisted 2 families with sponsorship
We are thankful beyond measure for the love and generosity of our community. We wanted to take a moment to say thank you for your support. We could not have had the measure of success that we did without your presence at our events, donations, and spreading the word about our mission. Thank you!
As we look to the year ahead we are full of anticipation. We are looking forward to helping more families, hosting new and exciting fundraisers, and much more.
We understand that for some of you who are reading this blog, you have probably been connected to us because you are walking through a difficult journey with your family. We wanted to take a moment to pause and acknowledge that you made it! Deep breath in. You have taken every sorrow-filled and painful moment and overcome. That in itself is such great victory and evidence of strength.
We saw a quote this past week that said, “Let 2022 be 2022 and 2023 be 2023.” This past year is not a copy-and-paste year. 2022 is not the mold for 2023. As you may be in the fight of your life as a family, hold onto the promise of “new” that comes with a new year and take pride in the evidenced strength that you have proven in this year behind.
If you are looking for support or resources for this year ahead in 2023, please fill out our contact page on our website. We would love to connect with you.
Thank you for a wonderful 2022, we are believing 2023 will hold great promise and hope for you and your family. We are praying for you.
The Sarah Tapley Foundation Team,
Don’t Forget the Siblings
Written by: Abby Clattenburg
When I was 11 my sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I can still remember exactly where I was sitting on the couch when my parents had sat us all down. I remember the “out-of-body” feeling that you get with crushing news like that. I remember the heaviness I felt in my chest and the acknowledgement that everything about my life and my family’s life was about to change.
At 11 years old I didn’t fully understand the logisitics of cancer and what it was doing to my sisters body. I didn’t understand the science of chemotherapy or radiation therapy. What I did understand was the severity of the situation. I felt the fear and sadness. I saw sorrow and strength in my parents eyes. I saw my sister wrestling life and death questions and realities everyday. I saw my brother under the weight of “what do I do to help?”
A lot of the time when families walk through traumas such as this, there is a misconception that children don’t understand what is going on, or worse, that they don’t feel it the same as adults. I think that we forget that the resilience of a child doesn’t shield or isolate them from a situation. Children often adapt and become flexible because they don’t know anything different. The problem with this misconception is we can often times, with good intentions, isolate the siblings from the family trauma.
As an 11 year old who’s sister was sick, I often experienced people welling-up with tears to grieve the news of my sister’s illness with my parents and rush straight to my sister to hug her or tell her how strong she was. I had people come up to my siblings and I to ask my sister how she was and then continue walking away once they got their answer. If people did come up to my brother or I, it was to tell us how strong my sister and parents were, or to ask us how they were doing.
None of these things are bad or wrong in the slightest. In fact, I am deeply grateful for the deep compassions of those who could grieve with my family in my sisters illness and encourage my parents and sister.
The thing I felt was missing through these interactions was a sense of belonging to my family’s situation. I felt on the outside of pain that was as real to me as my own heartbeat. I felt that my brother and I were assumed to be okay because we weren’t “the sick one.” The reality of being a sibling of a critically-ill child is that all “normal-kid-things” go out the window the moment you hear the news that your sibling is ill. You repeat your old hobbies or try to get lost in activities but it’s not the same as it was.
I think that it is so important that when we know of a family that is walking through a critical illness that we don’t forget that the siblings are a part of that too. They might not understand the medical jargon or the nitty-gritty details of everything, but they understand the feelings. They can identify the chaos of nothing being the way it used to be. They can sense people treating them differently than they used to.
A great way to help a sibling of a critically-ill child is to invest in them with your time and caring questions.
Here are a few question ideas:
How are you doing?
Has school changed a lot since _______?
Who do you talk to about how you’re doing?
What is it like having a sibling in the hospital?
How can I help you have a great day today?
Staying Close
Written By: Julie Stautland
How to begin? It starts with Jesus. When, not if, the tidal waves of life come crashing down, we need to know that God is our anchor no matter what. Tips are great, knowledge is useful, but to have the loving arms of God carry us while we wrestle, gives us the ability to pass on that same love and strength to others. Be prepared to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing at some point, but through it all, let families in crisis know you sincerely love them.
Sarah was my younger daughter’s best friend. Our two families were knit together closely for years already. Words don’t describe the impact of hearing the news of her illness. My husband sprung into action by immediately researching medical possibilities, as our family began to pray.
But what next? What else could we do? There is always such an overwhelming feeling of helplessness in such cases. As we struggled to work through our own emotions, we wanted to reach out to them in a real way.
I did a little research on helpful tips to share, and I was surprised to see that instinctively we followed most of them.
Cancer.net (https://www.cancer.net/coping-with-cancer/talking-with-family-and-friends/supporting-friend-who-has-cancer) shares these “Helpful tips when supporting a friend”:
Ask permission – I don’t think we followed this one very well all the time. Because if we discovered something new, we just shared it. With emotions running high, it is not easy to hold back and ‘ask permission’ before giving advice, but try. Also, it’s best to ask permission before asking questions, too. Sometimes it may be too stressful at the moment, and as a friend, or supporter, it’s important not to add to that stress.
Make plans
Be flexible
Laugh together
Allow for sadness
Check in
Offer to help
Follow through
Treat them the same
Talk about topics other than cancer.
Read his or her blog, web page, or group emails
Because our families were already so close, we decided to isolate ourselves from very public settings in an effort to remain free of viruses during the height of Sarah’s treatment. We also tried to copy the cleaning procedures in our own home, so that our families could still get together and have fun.
When we could, we had a much fun as possible. We planned events and getaways while always considering any scheduled doctor appointments.
Most importantly, we tried to be flexible. We concentrated on how we could make the most out of our time together – not on the fact that plans could change or be canceled. This meant sitting down with our own two daughters and discussing expectations ahead of time, so that they could have a more positive, broader outlook.
We made ourselves available to help out with the other siblings, especially since so much time is demanded from parents juggling hospital visits, work and family..
We treated them the same. All I could think of is, if my daughter was fighting this illness, I would desperately want all of us to be treated the same. And that’s a good rule of thumb to have. Ask yourself what you would be looking for in a friend or family member if it was your family in crisis? Taking in to account that there are many different personality-type responses, we can still make a good generalization of what we would be looking for.
And although fighting an illness, especially when it’s a child, can become so consuming, we tried to include other aspects of life – like what all the kids were doing for school, hobbies, work, other friends, church life, etc. I know for me, the ONLY way I could/can diversify when something consumes me, is my time spent with Jesus. My bible reading, prayer life and step-by-step choices give me the strength to see the bigger picture of life. My relationship with Jesus is my plum line. There is no way that I can be a support to anyone if I don’t get my source of hope, strength and love from Jesus.
And in that regard, it is important to have self-care. As a family, we experienced our own ups and downs regularly, so we had to take time to recharge and work through our own issues. Only then, could we better be available to our friends.
Lastly, there were times we failed. And I know it. As a type ‘A’ personality, the reality of this could ‘eat me up’ if I let it. And to be honest, I’ve had moments where I did. Coming to terms with our imperfections, being honest about our shortcomings, and STILL choosing to love anyway, is what matters most in the end. I’ve said thoughtless things, and done clueless things, but I chose to try again. We all need grace when going through a crisis – supporters included. So be kind to yourself, and don’t give up. This is when loving-in-action matters most. Proverbs 18:24 says it best “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
Stepping In
By: Ashley Hickton
My best friend and I met 20 years ago. It was one of those meetings where you instantly knew that this was a friend for life. It wasn’t long after we met that our friendship quickly transpired into a sisterhood. She was the sister I never knew I needed. We’ve seen each other through happy times – she was there for the birth of my babies and has loved them as her own ever since. We’ve also been through deeply sad times – when her youngest daughter was diagnosed with cancer. We have truly walked through all seasons of life together.
Supporting a friend or a family on a journey such as this one can feel challenging because you want to help in any way you can, but it can be hard to know where the best place is to start or what the best thing is to do. Maybe you don’t feel like you have what the family needs in their time of crisis. Can I encourage you to not let this hold you back from stepping in and offering your support? There are lots of ways you can help a family through a crisis. Maybe it’s setting up a meal train, offering to cut their grass or taking care of their gardens.
I could see that the practical needs in this situation were being met, but as a mom myself and a close friend to the family, I wanted to insert a level of emotional care to the family. A need I felt I could help with was supporting the other kids during all the busyness. I knew amidst the doctor appointments and hospital stays that it would be important to my friend that her two older children at home felt secure and seen, even though their world looked vastly different. I remember thinking, “I can do this – these kids are so easy to love, I can show up for them.” I began to spend time with them consistently. Consistency is important to a family walking through a crisis, knowing that they can trust you to show up is so necessary. On our visits we would keep things fun. Fun in a crisis? Absolutely! Keeping things fun for the siblings at home expresses to them that it’s ok to still have fun amidst a family crisis. It gives them the permission to be the kids that they are. Playground visits, movie nights with special treats, board games and video games were at the top of our list.
Perhaps you find yourself in a similar situation where a friend or family member is currently walking through a crisis. A good reminder for us all is to put ourselves in the mindset of what you would be thinking of and need if it was you walking through that crisis. Then you can put that exact level of care you know you would need into practice.
Helping Hands
By: RoseMary Chrysler
I was Sarah Tapley’s grandma, A.K.A, “Nina.” My husband and I have always been deeply involved in our grandkids lives. We have spent many holidays, birthdays and vacations together. We have so many special memories of camping in the backyard, baking, babysitting, hiking and much more. It really did my heart good to be close to the grandchildren. They were my everything and the added-on benefit of my child’s life. It’s such an honour to have grandchildren to love and spoil.
I remember the day when I received some news that I could have never imagined. I was driving one day and received a call from my son-in-law asking me to pull over because he needed to tell me something. Once I had pulled over he proceeded to tell me of Sarah’s illness and how serious it was. I remember him telling me she had to pack up her things to stay at the hospital immediately. I was overwhelmed with sadness at the news for my granddaughter, Sarah, and the family. Immediately I vocalized my availability to help in anyway I could.
As I processed the season ahead I started to think of all the ways I needed to be there for and to help my family. I was thinking of my daughter and my heart was heavy and breaking for what she was facing as a mother, and what my my son-in-law was facing as a father. There was no question in my mind that I was going to be fully available for the inevitable. Things like hospital visits, making sure all the kids were taken care of in regards to school, making meals, drop-offs to activities and more. I made the room to continue to make memories with my grandchildren like we did before. We continued to bake, go for hikes, go shopping and watch movies together. I wanted to help keep things stable for my two grandchildren who were at home. My heart was to provide love and support to them while their parents were overwhelmed with navigating the new normal that their family was facing.
All the way through the years of facing Sarah’s treatments for her critical illness, I made myself available by changing shifts at work, taking vacation days, and dropping everything to be there. I was greatly supported by my husband and co-workers to do whatever I had to do to help. To me, helping was not an option, it’s who I am to love and support my family in any way I can. When you’re a mother, your heart is wanting to take away the pain and make it all better. Because I couldn’t take away the pain, the only thing I could do was be available and help alleviate any pain or stress that I could. That’s my heart.
I encourage any one who finds themselves in a situation where someone you love is going though a crisis to insert yourself in any you can. Don’t think that your help isn’t appreciated or that you are intruding because everyone needs support. Some examples of how to help would be calling to check-in, leaving messages, dropping off meals, picking up any responsibilities that you can if there are kids involved and etcetera. Put yourself in the mindset of what you would need through that situation and fill in wherever you can. Even if it interrupts your normal life, think of how it’s helping others with their ‘new normal.’
I’m so thankful years later for the opportunity to give out of the abundance of my heart to share with the pain, the joys and the memories of it all. Where love abounds, the grace to give of yourself abounds even more.
Hope in Abandoned Places
Written by Shelly Calcagno
This morning when I got up I made a nice cup of coffee and scrolled through my social media. Almost immediately, I noticed a Facebook group that was all about abandoned places – homes, businesses, farms that all had been left behind.
Most in ruins and mess.
Took me one second to click on that link.
I’m pretty captivated by things like this because I like to imagine the stories behind everything, so I started going through the pictures. (Side note: looking for abandoned places is a legit hobby and I might have to join the club.) Pretty soon I had spent way more time than planned going down this rabbit trail looking at places that once held life but were now brought to ruins. Windows broken, animals moved in, grass and trees growing inside and rooms meant for living now destroyed.
Besides having my imagination completely sparked, I couldn’t help but be fascinated by the things that people left behind. What could possibly happen so quickly that would cause people to leave and not take anything with them? I’m sure most places had heartbreaking stories connected to the ruins that now stood.
All day I just kept thinking about those places.
And I thought about us, and what we’ve left behind.
Not just old houses, hospitals and barns.
But things we’ve started to build in our lives.
Things that held promise.
Hopes. Dreams. Aspirations.
What have we abandoned? Given up on? Pushed to the back of our minds with the certainty that we will never see those things happen in our life.
A couple weeks ago someone asked me about my dreams and I was caught a little off guard. Deep down I have many things on my list, but in the moment I was only able to sputter out one or two. Some dreams seem too ridiculous to even share with anyone so they stay hidden deep, popping up occasionally just to look me right in the eye and tell me I don’t have what it takes.
I thought about that today as I looked at those houses.
What have I walked away from?
Left behind.
Half-finished and incomplete.
So untouched that layers have grown over top and to dig it all out seems impossible.
Maybe the dreams felt too hard. Perhaps there was rejection.
Fear. Pain. Insecurity. Doubt.
So many scenarios can cause us to walk away from our calling, our purpose, our hopes. Leaving our dreams scattered around and abandoned as we move on and don’t look back.
How many of us have dreams that have been left in piles?
With each picture I looked at today, I couldn’t help but imagine what could be done with some restoration. I saw potential in the mess. I saw a future that could be made if the past pieces were cleaned up and things pulled together.
It stirred my heart a little.
All these broken down places.
Because there is hope in brokenness.
There is restoration.
Don’t leave your dreams behind.
If you’ve abandoned them, go back and gather them up.
Maybe they need repair, so do the work.
Maybe they need hope, so believe the best.
Maybe your dreams are just waiting to know that you haven’t given up, so don’t walk away.
Even if it hurts and you’re not sure of the outcomes, pursue restoration and believe that the future can be better than the past.
There is always hope in your abandoned places.
Self-Care
Written by Esther Allison
A crisis interrupts the rhythm of our everyday lives. The energy we would normally use to take care of ourselves becomes redirected into managing the crisis. If a crisis becomes chronic it can wear us down and deplete our energy: mind, body and soul. This is why it is so important to practice self-care.
There is a popular misconception that self-care is about trips to the spa, a night out, or a tropical vacation. While self-care may include some of those things, the goal of true self-care is about taking care of yourself so that you will have the energy and strength needed to care for the people and causes that are important to you.
To take care of others, we must first take care of ourselves or we will burn out and won’t be able to take care of our loved ones well.
Here are a few quick self-care suggestions if you’re in a crisis:
1. Start with the basics.
Am I eating well? Am I prioritizing some rest? This sounds simple, but if you are in a crisis you likely know how easy it is to forget the small, self-care items that we’d normally do without thinking. If you are struggling to remember to eat and sleep, try setting reminders on your smartphone and even if you don’t feel like it, eat something or get some rest. If your crisis doesn’t permit a full night’s sleep, ensure that you take a catnap when you can to refuel yourself. The mind/body connection is huge, so anything you can do to take care of your personal health and wellbeing will benefit your mental health as well.
2. Ask for what you need.
Most of us would prefer to be on the giving end of help, rather than the receiving end so it may require us to swallow our pride to let people know what we need. Most family and friends want to be of help but are unsure what to do. Put them to work by accepting offers of help for practical tasks like taking your dog for a walk, cutting the grass, shovelling your driveway etc. The saying that “many hands make light work” is so true. You don’t need to go through a crisis alone.
3. Clarify what is important to you in this season.
It’s easy to become overwhelmed by the enormity of a crisis. When we are overwhelmed, it can be hard to know how to prioritize our time. Taking a few moments to reflect on what is most important to you in this season, can help you more confidently move in the direction of your values.
While everything may feel important, clarifying your values can help you understand what actually is most important to you in a crisis. For example, having an immaculate house may feel important and maybe pre-crisis, keeping a spotless home was of great importance to you. However, if it requires you to be cleaning until midnight and leaves you exhausted and depleted, it may be helpful to reprioritize what is most needed or helpful in your current situation: Cleanliness? Or rest?
When you’re trying to determine your values-based decisions, it may be helpful to pause and ask yourself: What is driving this decision/action? For example, is it fear, guilt or anxiety? Or is it my values: love, courage, family, rest etc. Making choices that move you toward self-care is always a helpful choice to avoid burnout.
Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list. I’d encourage you to take a few minutes to write down some of your own ideas. What does self-care look like for you? Remember: practicing self-care activities are choices that give you the strength and endurance needed to care well for others. Finding even one or two self-care practices that you can start incorporating into your day, can help you find a new healthy rhythm in your daily life.