Staying Close
Written By: Julie Stautland
How to begin? It starts with Jesus. When, not if, the tidal waves of life come crashing down, we need to know that God is our anchor no matter what. Tips are great, knowledge is useful, but to have the loving arms of God carry us while we wrestle, gives us the ability to pass on that same love and strength to others. Be prepared to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing at some point, but through it all, let families in crisis know you sincerely love them.
Sarah was my younger daughter’s best friend. Our two families were knit together closely for years already. Words don’t describe the impact of hearing the news of her illness. My husband sprung into action by immediately researching medical possibilities, as our family began to pray.
But what next? What else could we do? There is always such an overwhelming feeling of helplessness in such cases. As we struggled to work through our own emotions, we wanted to reach out to them in a real way.
I did a little research on helpful tips to share, and I was surprised to see that instinctively we followed most of them.
Cancer.net (https://www.cancer.net/coping-with-cancer/talking-with-family-and-friends/supporting-friend-who-has-cancer) shares these “Helpful tips when supporting a friend”:
Ask permission – I don’t think we followed this one very well all the time. Because if we discovered something new, we just shared it. With emotions running high, it is not easy to hold back and ‘ask permission’ before giving advice, but try. Also, it’s best to ask permission before asking questions, too. Sometimes it may be too stressful at the moment, and as a friend, or supporter, it’s important not to add to that stress.
Make plans
Be flexible
Laugh together
Allow for sadness
Check in
Offer to help
Follow through
Treat them the same
Talk about topics other than cancer.
Read his or her blog, web page, or group emails
Because our families were already so close, we decided to isolate ourselves from very public settings in an effort to remain free of viruses during the height of Sarah’s treatment. We also tried to copy the cleaning procedures in our own home, so that our families could still get together and have fun.
When we could, we had a much fun as possible. We planned events and getaways while always considering any scheduled doctor appointments.
Most importantly, we tried to be flexible. We concentrated on how we could make the most out of our time together – not on the fact that plans could change or be canceled. This meant sitting down with our own two daughters and discussing expectations ahead of time, so that they could have a more positive, broader outlook.
We made ourselves available to help out with the other siblings, especially since so much time is demanded from parents juggling hospital visits, work and family..
We treated them the same. All I could think of is, if my daughter was fighting this illness, I would desperately want all of us to be treated the same. And that’s a good rule of thumb to have. Ask yourself what you would be looking for in a friend or family member if it was your family in crisis? Taking in to account that there are many different personality-type responses, we can still make a good generalization of what we would be looking for.
And although fighting an illness, especially when it’s a child, can become so consuming, we tried to include other aspects of life – like what all the kids were doing for school, hobbies, work, other friends, church life, etc. I know for me, the ONLY way I could/can diversify when something consumes me, is my time spent with Jesus. My bible reading, prayer life and step-by-step choices give me the strength to see the bigger picture of life. My relationship with Jesus is my plum line. There is no way that I can be a support to anyone if I don’t get my source of hope, strength and love from Jesus.
And in that regard, it is important to have self-care. As a family, we experienced our own ups and downs regularly, so we had to take time to recharge and work through our own issues. Only then, could we better be available to our friends.
Lastly, there were times we failed. And I know it. As a type ‘A’ personality, the reality of this could ‘eat me up’ if I let it. And to be honest, I’ve had moments where I did. Coming to terms with our imperfections, being honest about our shortcomings, and STILL choosing to love anyway, is what matters most in the end. I’ve said thoughtless things, and done clueless things, but I chose to try again. We all need grace when going through a crisis – supporters included. So be kind to yourself, and don’t give up. This is when loving-in-action matters most. Proverbs 18:24 says it best “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”